Seeing The Light by Sandy Brannan

Staring through the fragile ice to the light she could barely see, Emma Grace felt a memory shifting to the front of her mind. Oh, she wished she could remember all of it, but, as usual, she was only seeing bits and pieces.

It had been a couple of years since her parents had died in the car crash, and she still wasn’t used to living with her aunt. Her mom’s sister had always been her favorite aunt, but no one could replace her parents. Even at ten years old, she had understood how much her life had changed as soon as her aunt had picked her up from school that day and carefully told her about the accident.

Now she was almost thirteen and her life seemed to be changing a little more every day. Most days she wasn’t happy, but how was she supposed to share that with her aunt? She knew her mom and dad would be proud of the way she kept her room neat, the way she did her homework, even the way she ate all her vegetables now. She also knew they wouldn’t want her to be a bother, so she stayed on her best behavior no matter how many times her Aunt Emily tried to get her to talk.

Thinking about her aunt made her smile. How many times had her mom told her the story about her first ultrasound? Her dad had been out of town, so Aunt Emily went with her mom to the doctor. As soon as she heard the heartbeat bouncing off the soft grey walls of the small exam room, her aunt had grabbed her mom’s hand and made her promise to name the baby after her. Her mom always laughed when she told the story, wondering aloud what would have happened if Emma had been a boy.

The smile soon fell from her face as she bent down to examine the beautiful ice again. Why couldn’t she pull up the memory that was begging to come into focus? There was something about the light and the way it barely made its way through the shimmering design that called to her.

Closing her eyes, she thought back to the last trip she and her parents had made to their cabin in the mountains. Yes, that was it. They had gotten up early that morning to take a short walk. Her dad had been so sure they would see some wildlife. It seemed he was always searching for a deer or some other animal. Those morning walks had been about more than looking for the footprints of creatures who had walked on the snow long before they had all gotten out of bed. They were a special time, a time when she saw a side of him that he never showed her at home.

On the morning they saw the fluffy white bunny with its pink eyes, it had been cold. There had been ice everywhere, and Emma had been mesmerized by it. Just before she saw the soft footprints, she had felt her dad’s hand squeeze her own. Looking up at him, she had been surprised to see tears in his eyes. She felt that strange mix of fear and awe that always makes itself known when a parent shifts a bit, sharing a rare glimpse of vulnerability.

Yes, what she was trying to remember was on the edge of her memory. She knew her dad had told her something important that day, something that she wasn’t quite old enough to understand yet. It hadn’t really made its way past her mind and into her heart, and she knew now that her dad had realized it as soon as the words left his mouth. She couldn’t remember what he had told her, but by simply closing her eyes, she could see his face with a mixture of love and disappointment on it that had confused her.

Running her fingers softly over the pattern the ice had created, Emma sighed, knowing she would never know what it was her dad had wanted her to know. It was only a few weeks after their last trip to their cabin that her parents had lost their lives.

Standing up, she looked again at the bright light trying to make its way through the ice. It was completely out of her reach, but that didn’t make it any less beautiful.

Deciding to finally open up to her aunt, Emma made her way home. She would tell her about the girls at school who were only nice to her in front of the teacher. She would confess her crush, the way being around James made her feel like crawling under her desk to hide, the way her face always turned red when he spoke to her. She would tell her how sad she was without her mom and dad, how afraid she was that she would forget them one day.

She liked the way the snow crunched beneath her boots. She could tell spring was coming soon. It made her a little sad, but she knew it was time for warmer weather, time to watch the ice melt, leaving room for the color that would soon enter their world.

Opening the back door a few minutes later, Emma left her boots on the doormat. Smelling apples and cinnamon, she made her way into the kitchen while taking off her scarf and thick jacket. When Aunt Emily turned from the stove and smiled at her, it finally felt like home. No one would ever replace her parents, but maybe her dad had been trying to warn her. Maybe he had been trying to tell her to always look for the bright spots. As her aunt lifted a spoon filled with apple cobbler and held it out to her, Emma leaned in to receive it.