An Open Letter to the Girl Who Lost Her Dad – Twelve Months of Growth by Abigail Rayder
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
Dear Sweet Girl,
I’m so sorry. The connection a daughter has to her father is unmatched, and the sting of that being torn away can feel unbearable. Nothing can be said that will bring you much comfort right now, but you’ll find healing in time. And I promise you, as much as your father loved you, your Heavenly Father loves you worlds more.
Faith is hard. It’s easy when things are fine. It’s more difficult when things are worrisome or inconvenient. It’s an entirely new ballpark when your heart is broken. This was my first real life changing loss. I had lost my grandfather as a child, but this was different. This might be your first world-shattering loss too. Even if you have lost others that you loved, it doesn’t make this any less devastating.Every night for a month after my father passed away I said to my husband, “I don’t know what I’m going to do.” I thank God for the relationship I had with my dad. We enjoyed each other’s company. We had the same sense of humor. We could talk about God and the Bible openly. He was encouraging and I knew he was proud of me. He was always willing to hear a dumb story or to comfort my heavy heart. He knew I loved him and that I was thankful for him. Because we got along so well, there was no room for regret. When he died, a tremendous, positive, loving part of my life—a friendship really—was gone.
I needed this letter and I didn’t have it. I didn’t have anyone talking me through it or sharing their experiences. I wasn’t really looking for it either. I began writing this for myself as a kind of mental processing tool, and after I started, it occurred to me that perhaps someone else needed this just as much as I did. My prayer is that it finds you, sister. I pray that it finds you and gives you the hug that I so desperately wish I could give you. I pray that it reminds you of the lessons your father instilled in you—the legacy he shared with you. I pray that this letter, while it won’t heal you, will show you that healing is possible. We have a Hope that we can cling to. That Hope is our Father in Heaven and His perfect Son.
Sweet Girl, I love you. So did your father. So does our Heavenly Father.
Your sister,
Abby
August, September, October
I woke up the morning after my dad died and looked back on Charles Spurgeon’s Morning and Evening devotional from the night before. The whole thing was an enormous comfort, but especially this: “Lazarus might pass through death, but that was not to be the ultimatum of his sickness. In all sickness, the Lord saith to the waves of pain, ‘Hitherto shall ye go, but no further.’ His fixed purpose is not on the destruction but the instruction of his people.”[1]
I lost my dad to prolonged illness, so the entry was very personal to the situation. I was reminded that our sovereign God has plans outside of what we might think of or wish for, and that God is in complete control. Not only did God decree my father’s death (and your father’s as well), regardless of the circumstances, but He provides the peace that follows such a loss. I know my father is in Heaven. His suffering is over and he is with the God he served and showed me how to love.
Our Lord will supply abundant healing to our hearts if we run to Him. After all, even though we have lost our wonderful earthly fathers, He is our Heavenly Father and we are his daughters. Remember how dearly your father loved you and know that our Lord loves you infinitely more. He gives us these life lessons to to teach us and guide us back to Him. That was the beginning of my healing.
A big realization came near the beginning of the third month without my dad. In a quiet moment while my husband and five month old slept, I read in 1 Thessalonians where Paul referred to the church there as being known for its joy during a time of suffering and that it was their assurance of faith. My heart was filled with thankfulness when I read this. God showed me in that quiet moment that not only was my faith sure, but also that I was learning and He was working in my heart. Isn’t that what we want and what we strive for? We want to grow in our faith and in times of hardship, to be reminded that it’s worth it.
The reason this struck so deeply is because my name is Abigail, which means Her Father’s Joy. That is what I was to my father. He told me once as a little girl and the memory never left my mind. Not only that, but one of the things the Good Lord has blessed me with is a joyful heart. Growing up, my father would remind me of the special gift I had been given and caution me not to lose it. In fact, three weeks before he died, I went to him with a heavy heart. He used the opportunity to once again remind me of what God had given me and eased my mind of its troubles.
I never told my father that I learned what a joyful heart is, in part, from him. I had probably inherited it from him! He was an example of how to live and suffer with joy. He was fearless during his entire illness as he faced the possibility of death without even flinching.
No doubt, I heard God speak directly to me through what I read in 1 Thessalonians that morning and I’ve clung to it since. He made me who I am so that I can handle this great loss with joy. Joy and faith in Him, because without Him my joy and faith could never stand the test.
I pray that you have eyes to see how deep your Father’s love for you is. Place your faith in His gracious arms and allow yourself (force yourself, if you must) to accept that this hard reality of life is all in God’s plan. With Him, you will survive. Our God is a perfect Father to His children and a perfect shepherd to His sheep. Joyfully run to Him, like a daughter runs to her father. With thankfulness and acceptance, raise your arms to Him and find your comfort in His perfect sovereignty and grace.
Verses to Remember: Psalm 147; Romans 15:13; 1 Thessalonians 1
November, December, January
It is common for people to express concern for your mental and emotional well-being during the holidays. They’ll comment how hard it must be and try to relate to how they think they would feel if they were in your position. Others recount how they felt when they lost a loved one. It can be very uncomfortable both for you and them, but sometimes it can be helpful and encouraging. Though to be completely honest, I was beginning to get frustrated with the whole scenario. My dad had been gone for over three months by the time Thanksgiving rolled around and I wanted people to stop feeling sorry for me. The season was barely creeping up before I wished it would end.
The holidays weren’t too bad really. My husband’s brother and his wife were in town from Ohio the week of Thanksgiving. Living in Massachusetts, we aren’t often given the opportunity to enjoy them for as long as we did. I was able to serve them. I had them over (not on Thanksgiving, but any minute they didn’t have plans). I cooked for them, I cleaned my house for them, they stayed a night, and I went out to lunch and window shopped with my sister-in-law. I did things for them and with them to draw me out of myself.
It was so healing. I had anticipated suffering through the pain of missing my dad, but having my in-laws in our home to serve was the perfect distraction. Suddenly, I was enjoying the holiday season that I had before dreaded.
Christmas was similar. My family was home and I was given opportunities to serve. It didn’t really matter if it was serving in big ways or in small ways. The difference was in my heart attitude and I hoped it made a difference to those around me!
I also experienced a different loss at Christmastime, which was distracting in a different way. I miscarried a very young baby on Christmas evening. I had sensed something wasn’t right and knew it was coming. While my husband and I held tightly to God’s promises, it was still difficult. Pregnancy symptoms had just started to manifest, and I found myself slipping away in a few quiet moments to cry and pray. Even so, my heart and my home were filled with so much warmth that I was able to rest in a comfortable peace.
I didn’t ignore the gap my father used to fill. I didn’t look away from his lounge chair or his place at the table. I remembered him and talked about him. My family would tell stories and share laughs. We missed him, of course, but it wasn’t a terribly sad time. It wasn’t nearly what I expected.
My advice for you during the holiday season is to find areas to serve. Ask the Lord to give you opportunity to reach beyond yourself and your own needs to tend to those around you. You’ll be amazed at how fulfilled you will be. Do not dwell on the feelings of longing and loss. Do not fall into the trap of feeling like you’re owed special treatment. Instead, I hope you see that the Lord tirelessly gives of Himself to us. We are privileged to pay forward the love He shows us daily. Remember that by serving others, you are also serving God.
Rather than focusing on what you do not have, my prayer is that you remember that the Lord blesses us with more than we are able to count. Thank Him for what you do have and thank Him for what you once had. Then thank Him for what is to come. His blessings are endless and His love is so deep.
Verses to Remember: Mark 10:45; 1 Peter 4:10; John 13:12-13
February, March, April
Toward the end of January, my husband and I learned that we were expecting a baby, after suffering a miscarriage a month before. We were so thankful for the answered prayer, however I couldn’t get out of my mind that my dad wouldn’t know this baby. This baby wouldn’t know their Pop-pop. This baby wouldn’t feel the love that their sister and cousins did from him.
Selfishly, I began to dwell on the hundreds of upcoming memories he would be absent from. I thought of every soccer game, piano recital, graduation, and wedding. But when I learned to focus on the memories I already had of their Pop-pop, I saw that in a million small ways my children would feel the love that I worried they’d miss out on. Soon, the underlying sadness was replaced completely with excitement. I realized that while he might not be there for any of it, I’ll be there.
What I’m trying to say is that life goes on. New things come, both blessings and tragedy, but through it all God carries us through. He answers prayers for healing, He maintains a joyful heart, He guides and comforts, and He gives and He takes. My father’s goal when raising me was that I would grow to know God and believe in His promises. My goal for my children is the same. My father left a beautiful legacy of faith and an unwavering love for the Lord. My children may not remember or know who my father was, but because of my father they will know and cherish the Father we share.
My prayer is that you remember the lessons your father taught you and how they connect you to your Father in Heaven. Remember that life won’t stay frozen in the sadness of what you’ve lost. You will be able to see light shining through the cracks as the pain begins to break up and disperse. Bittersweet is the perfect word I would use for this phase of my healing, and my hope is that you too can begin to rest in that same place.
Verses to Remember: 2 Kings 20:5; Jeremiah 17:14; Matthew 11:12
May, June, July
The last few months of the first year without my father were especially trying. I had a lot going on, but I wasn’t mentally sorting it out properly. It became a big messy pile that I wished my dad was around to talk me through like he used to. Thankfully, as we entered into July I started to get back to normal. For a while though, I was hit with a deep and sudden sadness.
I felt like a fraud. Where was this joy that I had been marked by? Where was my perseverance? Where was my faith? All of a sudden it was gone; taken just as quickly as my father was and I hated myself for it. It seemed that I had allowed myself to lose exactly what he had cautioned me not to this time last year!
The key ingredient to this mess was that I had not been reading my Bible or praying as often. I was hardly in fellowship and avoiding many of my friends. I didn’t really want to just go through the motions and I didn’t really have much to say. I turned it all on myself and felt piles of guilt for being a terrible wife, a terrible mother, a terrible friend, a terrible daughter—you name it.
One morning in June, the Psalmist was brought to my mind. He had begged God to search his heart and expose any sin in him. He talked about God knowing him. I read Psalm 139 probably five times before I repeated it in my own heart, asking God to search me and clean me. I didn’t want to feel this sadness. I knew I was choosing it for myself and I didn’t have to. I wanted to rely on Him to heal my heart and I wanted to please Him in this painful time. I wanted to joyfully serve him in the midst of my grief and not make it about me anymore.
I could see God begin to answer this prayer right away, even though it didn’t make the sadness vanish. There was a process that I needed to experience. Day by day, I started to feel a little better. Some days I felt worse, but I knew God was with me, regardless of whether I was the gigantic disappointment that I felt like. That truth alone brought comfort.
The Lord won’t magically fix our problems and heal our hearts overnight. It takes time and work. It takes patience and prayer. God uses these moments in life to draw us near to Him. I can’t tell you how drastically my relationship with God changed over this year. I grew closer to Him and even in my failures, I felt like I knew Him deeper. I felt better equipped to serve Him and better prepared to understand His Word.
Honestly, I believe my father would have considered this a year well spent just because of that alone. I think he’d be pleased to know this year wasn’t lost on me, wallowing in the sadness and despair that is so easy to remain in. I hope the Lord is pleased with my father, and a part of me even hopes that he’s getting credit for this growth in me!
My prayer is that you are able to say the same as you wrap up the remainder of the first year without your dad. I hope that your relationship with the Father has deepened beyond measure, and your love for His Word is what keeps you going. He surely does bring us peace and comfort our souls.
Verses to Remember: Psalm 139; Psalm 28; John 14:27
Dear Sweet Girl,
It sure has been a year for you. I know you still miss him. That’s okay. You’ll miss him for a long time and there’s nothing wrong with that. Don’t force yourself to forget or to move on because you think it’s the right thing to do, or it’s what is healthiest, or that you have to worry about other people’s feelings. You have needed to take the time this past year, and will still need to take the time, to remember and reflect. You’ll need to laugh and cry. You’ll need to pray and re-do a lot of progress. I still wake up in the middle of the night after seeing my dad in a dream. I still have a hard time driving down certain roads or listening to certain songs. That’s okay.
It is important to remember through all of the suffering and all of the sadness that God is faithful. He is using this for your instruction and to bring you closer to Him in the end. If you haven’t been able to get through the year the way you hoped, that’s okay too. I pray that you will be able to start now. Life is full of new chapters and phases.
If you haven’t found any of this particularly helpful, that’s also okay. It’s going to be different for everyone. But please know that you aren’t alone in your loss. We have a perfect Heavenly Father who blessed us with Godly earthly fathers. That is a gift worth celebrating and a life worth emulating.
Sister, I am glad our paths crossed on this journey. I’m excited to meet you in Heaven someday where we will praise our Father who connects us.
Until then,
Abby
[1] https://www.biblegateway.com/devotionals/morning-and-evening/2018/08/17
My name is Abigail and I live in the Pioneer Valley area of Massachusetts. I’m married to my best friend and together we have two daughters and a cat.
I’ve been writing for many years, and focus mainly on poetry. My work also includes journals, essays and letters. All of what I write is strongly influenced by my faith and love for Jesus Christ. I pray that you have stumbled across this not by chance, but because we have been sovereignly introduced by our Lord!
Thank you for visiting! It’s wonderful to meet you.
Abigail