Still Time by Sandy Brannan
Jennifer shifted her eyes from the edge of the lake to her high heels more than once before finally reaching down and letting her feet free. Gingerly walking over to the water, she noticed a chip on one of her toenails. Mentally filing away a reminder to stop by the salon for a quick pedicure on the way home, she let her feet slowly enter the cold water. She gasped as she realized she was feeling much more than the chill; the memories rolled over her faster than she could keep up with, so she grabbed onto one tightly and let the others fall away.
Closing her eyes, she was a small child again, splashing and squealing as her father held her over the water, just low enough for the tips of her toes to feel the cool wetness of the water. She had loved their trips to the lake, just the three of them. Her mom had usually been busy setting up a picnic lunch or doing whatever it was that moms do that kids never notice, but her dad had always seemed to have time just for her. Opening her eyes as she stepped away from the water and onto the dry grass, Jennifer frowned as she let another memory join the first one.
This time she looked over at the grassy patch under the large oak tree near the water’s edge. How many times had she insisted, as a young mother herself, that her place was there, exactly where she had seen her own mother spend so much time? There always seemed to be so much to do, setting out the quilt, emptying the picnic basket, making sure everything was perfect for the meal she had spent hours planning and creating at home before packing it all up for their short family trip. Now, years later, she realized, with a mix of sadness and regret, that her children would have been just as happy with sandwiches, chips, cookies, and juice boxes. But there had always been something in her head telling her she needed to do better. Now that she was older, and hopefully wiser, she could admit never feeling like she measured up to the example her own mother had set for her.
As Jennifer reached the blanket she had spread out as soon as she had arrived at the lake, she made sure not to wrinkle her linen pants as she sat down. She was glad she had left her cell phone in her car. Knowing there would be dozens of texts, voicemails, and emails waiting for her did little to ease her mind, so she forced herself to focus on the gentle water in front of her. Work could wait. She knew from experience that it would always be there, waiting for her, expecting more from her than she had to give.
It wasn’t long before the first tear found its way down her face. Not concerned about her make-up, Jennifer let the tears flow. Glancing down at her hands which showed off her perfect manicure and expensive rings, she could see what everyone else saw, a woman put together perfectly on the outside. She was secretly glad no one could see what was in her heart, what a mess she always felt like, the mountain of regrets that pushed against her chest so hard that she sometimes felt like she would explode.
Watching the slight waves create ripples toward the middle of the lake, forming until she no longer could see them at all, Jennifer reached her hand up to dry her face. Using her other hand to push herself up off the blanket, she bent down and put her heels back on. Yes, she knew her lunch hour was long past being over, but she couldn’t quite leave yet. Something about those ripples called to her as she slowly made her way back to the edge of the water.
Her kids were almost grown now; trips to the lake were now only part of their childhood memories too. She wondered if they would ever find their way back here one day, maybe with children of their own. Thinking about Matt and Lauren as parents brought a smile to her face. She had a hard time picturing either of her teenagers grown and on their own, but she knew the day was coming when she and Steven would turn around and face an empty nest instead of the loud messy house they lived in now.
Tipping her head down, she said a quick prayer, asking for help to make the ripples good ones. She knew it was too late for her own mom, the time had passed for her to be the type of parent who took the time to tip her own toes into the water with her children. Jennifer felt her hand go to her chest as she thought about how the accident had taken her mom away before she got a chance to become a grandmother. Wondering how things might have been different made her question if her mom ever had thoughts like these. Jennifer decided right then to change the ripples of her own life. No, she hadn’t been the best mom to her young children, but there was still time. She could start this weekend. They could pick up burgers and salads and bottles of waters as they headed to the lake. Sure, both of the kids would sulk as they looked at their cell phones from their place on the blanket, but she knew she would be planting a seed. She smiled again as she thought about the chance she would get as a grandmother, a chance to be not only the one in the water with the grandchildren but also the one to set the example for her own children.
Looking at the water one last time before turning around to grab her blanket and head to her car, Jennifer was struck by how it always looked the same. She was smart enough to know it wasn’t the exact same water she played in as a child or the water her own children had enjoyed, but it was constant and had waited patiently for her to finally understand.
Knowing she would never quite look at life the same way again, she decided she wouldn’t stop for that pedicure after all. Who cared if her always-perfect toes were no longer perfect? Unable to stop the bounce in her step, she felt a strange mixture of peace and release as she thought about the look on the faces of her family when she walked through the door tonight much earlier than usual. She was almost surprised at how excited she was as she thought about seeing them, about spending time with them. She couldn’t wait to see the surprise on their faces too.
Finally, after so many years of confusion and pretending, she felt like she was herself again. Feeling like that young child of so long ago who had spent her time enjoying all the lake had to offer, she hopped into her car and threw it into reverse. It wasn’t too late after all.