Grace by Esther Marie

To the girl who feels as if she has fallen far from grace, 

If you are feeling hurt, lost, and broken or as if you are hidden in the shadows of heartache from the One you wish would hear you the most, let me be the first to say, you are not alone. I have been there too.

This year was a rollercoaster of heartache and sadness and in the midst of it all, I lost sight of the One who has been by my side through all of it. During the hardest moments this year brought me, from my parent’s divorce to my sister’s struggles with mental health and my own fear of job insecurity, I lost grip of the Father’s hand. 

The waves of anxiety, fear, and doubt crashed around me and pulled me under.

All the while, I forgot that if I look up, I would see the lovingkindness of a Savior who has stood by me through all the mountains and valleys of life. 

There He was, holding out His hand. 

And although this year I grieved the girl I used to be, who was filled with so much child-like faith, I knew that as God’s daughter, in moments like this when I feel as if He is far away, that is not so. He is still here. His promises are still true. He is still calling out my name to welcome me back into His loving embrace with open arms. 

In the corner of my wooden bookshelf, I found my old Bible, whose words have comforted me since I was 16 years old. Flipping through the prayers and highlighted notes, I read one thing over and over. My prayer has always been to be close to God’s heart. And although in this year, or even in this moment, I do not feel as if that has been true, God has always been close to mine. 

Because as my feelings rise and fall with the difficulties I face, God’s truth never falters, never sways. 

He is my light. He is my strength. He is holding me in His hands. His mercies are new every morning. He is my shield, my protector and my guide. He is the one who leaves the 99 for the one who is just like me, hurting, lost, and broken. He hides me under the shadow of His wings and puts my feet on solid ground. 

So, to anyone who knows what it is to feel the pain of not being who you were or who you want to be, this is just a small reminder that in this moment, you are exactly where you are meant to be. I know I am in God’s hands and I know He welcomes me back. Even when I feel as if I’ve fallen far from grace, His grace is as boundless as the sea, stronger than the weight of any insecurity. And right now, that is the truth that I will rest in. 

My name is Esther Gonzales, I am a poet, writer, journalist, and Sunday school teacher from New Jersey. I have always loved writing ever since I can remember. I believe everyone has a story to tell and if we look close enough, we see God's love and grace woven throughout each of our lives. Through my writing, I hope to give others a glimpse of who God is by sharing all the ways He has been there for me.