Willow by Sandy Brannan

Olivia couldn’t stay in the house. Gavin was back at work and her mom had gone home. The walls were starting to close in on her, so she put her boots on before grabbing her jacket out of the hall closet. Thinking a walk might help her clear her head, she looked at the woods that were just past their yard, just past where they had planned on putting up a fence, just past where so many memories had already been made, if only in her mind.

It didn’t take long before Olivia could no longer see her house or yard when she looked back. Stopping, she lifted her head for a minute, allowing herself time to enjoy the blue sky that was peeking through the tree limbs that seemed to rise above her for miles. It was peaceful out here. Peace was something she hadn’t felt for the past ten days.

Feeling a tear make its way down her face and into the corner of her mouth, Olivia was surprised when she tasted its saltiness. It was the first thing she could remember actually tasting since her mom and Gavin had brought her home from the hospital. Not even bothering to wipe the rest of the tears away as they joined the first one, Olivia took her eyes off the sky and continued to walk further into the comfort she knew nature would offer her.

Concentrating on nothing but the sound of the dried grass and twigs under her feet, she felt a little bit of the heaviness she had been carrying around lift from her heart. When she reached a small clearing, she looked around for a place to sit. Settling on an old log, Olivia leaned back and looked up into the tree above her.

Seeing the nest took her breath away. It was too high for her to look inside, but she somehow knew it was empty. Suddenly she felt all her pain break free, heard a deep moaning she had not known she was capable of leave her heart and escape her mouth, felt her gentle crying turn into deep sobs.

“Willow. Oh, Willow.”  Hearing her daughter’s name brought her a small slice of comfort. For days, she had wanted to talk to Gavin about her, but she couldn’t. She knew he was hurting too, but his pain didn’t include his body the way hers did. The physical pain was a constant reminder of her loss. The emptiness of her body was a constant reminder of the baby she held in her arms briefly before giving her away, the baby she would never again hold.

Softly touching her stomach, the place where she had felt her daughter move inside of her, made Olivia cry out, “Willow. Mommy loves you so much. I’m so sorry.”

Her mom had explained to her that it wasn’t her fault, and she honestly knew it was true, but that didn’t stop the guilt. Olivia wondered if she had done something to cause their baby to die. She knew he would never say it, but she suspected Gavin wondered too. The doctor had told them that these things just happen. His answer had cut through her, only adding to her pain.

When the cramping had started, she hadn’t allowed herself to think about what it could mean. Barely five months along, she knew it was too early for labor pains. When she had started bleeding, she woke Gavin. She knew she would never forget the look in his eyes. There was fear there mixed with sorrow, a look that told her he somehow already knew they would be coming home without a baby in their arms.

The next several hours were a blur, memories Olivia hoped would never return.

When they had come home from the hospital the next day, her mom had been there. When Gavin had gently led her to their room, she saw that someone, probably her mom, had closed the door to the nursery. As far as she knew, the door hadn’t been opened since.

Looking up at the nest again, she noticed the ray of light that she had somehow missed before. In this place of darkness, the sky was above her, throwing its light down on her. She thought about how God had known all along what would happen to her baby girl, how none of this had taken Him by surprise. She knew she would never understand why her baby had died before she had lived, but she felt a bit of peace slip into her heart as she thought about her child not being alone, her child who was now cradled in the loving arms of her heavenly Father.

Olivia felt a little more in control as she wiped her face on the sleeve of her jacket. Looking up again, she wondered what would happen to the nest. Did birds come back once their babies had flown away? Did they use the same nest more than once? She didn’t know.

Standing up, she brushed the dirt and leaves from her jeans. Turning back toward home, she thought about Willow’s nursery. She hoped it would one day be a room full of light and laughter. She hoped she and Gavin would have another little girl or maybe a little boy. Or maybe one of each. But, no matter how many children they had, Willow would always be their first, always be their baby girl.

When she stepped out of the woods, Olivia was surprised to see Gavin standing on their deck. The way he held his phone in his hand told her he was worried. She understood. When his eyes met hers, she was relieved to see nothing but love there.

Making his way down the steps of their deck and across their yard, he had her in his arms within minutes of seeing her.

“Olivia.”

Hearing the whisper in her ear as her husband said her name made Olivia wrap her arms even tighter around him.

Turning together, they made their way back to their home. Olivia felt a shadow of a smile make its way to her face for the first time in days as Gavin reached out to open the door for her. She knew it would take time to heal, but she finally felt she could let go of her pain a little, finally felt she could share it with the one other person who was hurting as much as she was. She could do it for Willow, the little girl who would always live and grow in her heart, the little girl who had made her a mommy.