When Grief Purifies Love by Donna Bucher
Silence. The finality of death remains both silent and deafening at the same time. No silence speaks louder than death. Life's hardest goodbye, made more painful when saying goodbye opens old wounds. Never truly healing, the old wounds of grief bleed anew with each fresh loss.
A mortal wound to the heart, grief, unmercifully allows the heart to continue beating when we would rather it stopped. Grief, the sound of a broken heart saying goodbye, reveals the depths of love treasured within.
Time is more merciful; for in its passing, the pain of loss lessens. Fooled into thinking the grief wound healed, we live again. Yet the wounds of grief never truly heal, they become a part of who we become after loss.
The loss of beloved "Bella Noel", my son's dog, spoke the reminder of this hard truth. Bringing enormous joy upon their arrival, nothing prepares us for the tremendous sadness of our pets' departures from our life.
I first met Bella on a cold New Year’s Day, when she burst through my front door ahead of my son; bounding across every piece of furniture before stopping on the sofa to await her master. Everyone sat staring in shock; my son hadn't mentioned having a dog, much less bringing her to the New Year's celebration.
A comical expression of horror on her face; my dog, Golda, sat in disbelief. In our house dogs received no permission to mount the furniture!
My son stepped through the door and with a chagrined smile, said, "This is Bella, she's the reason I'm late."
A rescue experiencing prior abuse, Bella, a 2-year-old boxer, Pitbull mix, found her way into my son’s heart through a co-worker, and the rest, as they say, was history.
Though technically, my son rescued Bella, I will always believe Bella rescued my son. A time of life's hardship journeyed with him, and Bella brought joy back into his eyes and gave him a purpose. In fact, Bella's unusual ways brought some much-needed joy to all of us.
Bella's lifetime saw many more happy family celebrations: my son's marriage, and companionship with my daughter-in-law's dog, Jags. Sadly, Bella's lifetime also saw the grief of my son's stillborn daughter, Indigo Evangeline, the torment of my son's past demons push him to self- destructive behaviors, and the end of his once beautiful marriage.
As my son grew more and more troubled, falling deeper into addictions, he pushed everyone away from him. Bella grew closer to my daughter-in-law and remained with her, where she lived out the final two years of her life.
Pondering Bella’s death, I am reminded with each fresh encounter with grief, the old wounds of previous losses bleed once more. Not exclusive to death, the experience of grief touches life losses related to financial hardship, divorce, home, or independence.
For me, Bella's death opened the old wounds of my son's troubled life. Drawing a fresh reminder of the years passing without seeing him. A heartache I live with daily, my son's choices whisper loss on many a lonely night.
The finality of Bella’s death not only opened the old wounds of my son’s loss, but was the cutting of the final tie between my son and my precious daughter-in-law. Though divorced, somehow Bella held them, and all of us together by a gossamer thread of simple love.
Grief demands we say goodbye again. As I said goodbye to Bella, the old wounds relating to my son's life bled again. All of the losses revealed their grief which lingered just under the surface. Each evoked its own memory, vivid in painful detail. Old grief mingled with new, begged for a hearing; expressed in tears, the language love uses to grieve. The old wounds tell again their story of love and loss.
While each fresh encounter with grief opens old wounds, it also purveys memories of beauty we experienced. Joy remains unknown apart from sorrow.
As Bella's death ushers in new grief and opens old wounds, I also remember happier times. I relive the beauty of her life, the happy times with my son and his wife and the privilege of holding Indigo Evangeline, if only for a moment.
Yes, grief demands we say goodbye again, but in so doing it reminds us of the beauty of life and love.
The finality of any loss brings grief. In that finality we learn to say goodbye, we learn grief is the price we pay to love. But at the same time, it is love which preserves the beauty of the life, situation, or relationship lost. Though the old wounds remain, the memories remain too.
New grief opens the old wounds and forces us to feel the pain. But then offers the opportunity for another goodbye, another chance to cherish the gift we held and loved. For what we once loved deeply becomes a part of us.
When saying goodbye opens old wounds, the balm soothing the pain of grief is hope. The hope we have that this life is not all there is. For a day is coming when Christ will wipe away every tear, and death will be no more. (Revelation 21:4) We know the Lord is near to all who are brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).
Having the courage to feel the pain of old wounds rather than deflecting the emotions, exposes our grief to the light of Christ. When we bring our grief into Christ's light, it is free to complete its purifying work in our lives. For it is grief which purifies love.
Donna is a women’s ministry leader, teacher, speaker, retired missionary, CASA volunteer, experienced counselor and hospice and palliative care support personnel. Founder of Serenity in Suffering blog, where she shares articles, resources and counseling designed to help you grow personally and find spiritual intimacy with Christ; ultimately finding purpose in the trials you face. Her writings have appeared in various online sites as well as digital and print magazines, and devotional journals. Website: Serenity in Suffering https://serenityinsuffering.com/