When God Revealed His Work Within Me
For several years, my own self-worth had a crippled reflection. I couldn’t see beauty. Or rather, enough beauty. It didn’t matter who told me I was beautiful, I couldn’t accept it. By this time, I was already saved. I believed in God. I believed in His power. I just couldn’t see myself the same way He saw me. Until recently, I was reminded of one night back in college—of course, then I couldn’t fully notice—but now realize what God did for me. It didn’t happen on Sunday morning or at a youth retreat. It happened one night in an art gallery.
For one of my painting classes, our assignment was topaint a self-portrait. I instantly thought, great.So, I naturally chose a portrait of my wholebody. In the beginning, I actually felt hopeless and thought I was takingon something I knew I couldn’t. I heard those low whispers, you’ve never painted folds before in yourlife, how do you think you’re going to paint a portrait that’s 70% blouse? You’ve never painted skin, how are you goingto manage those colors? At first, I was going to stop. I was going to gowith something easier and paint a Bible with paintbrushes laid over it orsomething that objectively represented me.
Instead, I heard another whisper that soothed my soul.Keep going and don’t give up. Forthree weeks, I worked on my self-portrait endlessly. I’d go in at midnight intothe art studio just so I could paint alone and blast my music. I felt peace,but at the same time, my inner perfectionist kept me constantly painting away.But still, in the quiet part of my being, Godwas painting something else.
I completed the portrait in time for our artcritique and remember my professor studying it. My former professor was one ofmy greatest artistic encouragements, and to this day, I am grateful for hernudge. If it wasn’t for her, My InnerMona Lisa would have stayed on the drying rack until I graduated. Instead,she encouraged me to submit it into the university’s annual art competition.So, I did.
It took a couple of weeks for the art show to come together.I knew a professor from a different university was coming into to be the expertjudge. I imagined Him like God—coming in and walking around to revieweveryone’s work. I wonder what his first thought was when he saw my portrait.
This is when I realized what God did for me; thenight of the show, He finally put on display what He had been working on.
I stood in the very back, behind the studentsand professors—clapping at the honorees of the art show. After several of thehonorable mentions were named,Iheard the professor announcing 3rd, 2nd and 1stplace winners. When I knew I didn’t hear my name up to that point, I knew itwasn’t possible to win the last award.
With the feelings of inadequacy creeping in, itwas then that I heard, “and the Best ofShow award goes to My Inner Mona Lisaby Samantha Hardcastle.” My hands were on my lips and if it weren’t for my twinwho literally pushed me forward, I would have stood there stunned. I remembereveryone clapping as I walked through the little narrow pathway. I accepted theaward, hugged my professor and walked back to my place.
Back then, all I could think of was how was that possible? I’m not even anArt major. I saw myself so lowly that I couldn’t even be a confident artist. Ihid myself. I hid my work. I kept it gathering dust in the studio’s dryingracks. But the moment I heard my name, I felt God in the midst of people. I sawHim in the front where I was walking to, telling me, “Come here, beloved, because this is where I see you and this is whereyou belong.”
Then I knew all along, the night had very littleto do with an oil painting and much more to do with God revealing to me how Hetruly sees me. He sees me as more than enough. He sees me worthy. He sees me asthe best possible version of myself. He was pulling me forward, while I was hidingaway in the back.
I cried that night I won, because God did somuch more for me in the span of one night, than the one month I spentperfecting my portrait. I smiled, knowing that with God—all things are possible.
“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he willlift you up in honor.” James 4:10