What Matters Most by Kayla Green
You spent many labored days and nights pouring your heart and soul into designing the perfect blueprint for your life and erecting a golden compass to guide you in your twelve-point plan to happiness. But then an unexpected storm appeared. The blueprint was ripped to shreds by the wind, and the compass shattered by stray lightning. You felt lost, confused, and abandoned.
With a smile and a “fake it, ‘til you make it” attitude, you pressed on, holding firm to the memory of your design; yet, you struggled. Happiness eluded you. You would pray to God asking for deliverance from the pain, the grief, the heartache; yet, not once did you thank your Father for his provisions. Not once did you lean away from your own understanding, listening in your heart for the Holy Spirit’s pull.
Instead, you laced up your running shoes and pursued the life you felt you deserved. You spurned the philosophy “Bloom where you are planted,” instead insisting that not all seeds prosper in the same soil. You wandered the desert, searching for your promised land without pause to reflect nor to consider what you desired in your heart was not what mattered most.
For years, I wandered aimlessly. Even when I felt strongest in my faith walk, I never fully relented; I chose to avoid acknowledging that God’s plan is bigger and better than my limited foresight. And this impacted several facets of my life, mainly my search for the Boaz to my Ruth and my drive to find a fulfilling career and ultimately find my purpose.
I had forsaken the promise of God explained in Jeremiah 29:11, “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Instead of being still and trusting in God’s guidance, I ran away with vigor.
My mother, bless her wisdom, told me years ago that I needed to stop my own search for love. She explained that I needed to trust that God would lead my husband-to-be to me in his time. For several months, I told myself I wasn’t looking. I was trusting God’s timing. But that was a white lie; at least, it was initially. Time passed and I did eventually let go – I decided to focus on where God needed me in life and accept my singleness.
And, when I least expected to have my prayers for true love answered, I met my now husband.
But even with this blessing, I didn’t learn the lesson so clearly laid out before me. Soon, each morning, I resumed making bunny ears in my shoestrings in preparation for running from God’s plan for my life, yet again.
Though I had met my Boaz, I didn’t understand my frustration with my career. I had spent my entire life taking the necessary steps to become a teacher, and, yet, I felt miserable. Why would God call me to do something that created so much distress, so many negative feelings in my heart? I decided that clearly, I was not where I needed to be; along the way, I had gone astray and I needed to find my true purpose.
I pursued an additional degree. But new doors didn’t open after graduation. I found myself once again in the classroom. And, like the time before, I dwelled in bitterness instead of embracing the sweetness of that part of my journey. The devil had a foothold in me, and I didn’t even notice I had invited him in. Yes, I prayed. But I prayed not for guidance on where God needed me but for deliverance from my pain.
Another school change followed. And another. Eventually, I left education altogether. But still, I was wallowing in misery. I was on the edge of a dark descent. I went back to the classroom; only to leave once more for another career change. After just a month, I was offered my dream job – or so I thought.
It was the most toxic work environment I had ever been a part of. I was so beat down. So broken. I stepped off the edge and succumbed to the darkness of depression in a manner I had never done before. I prayed again, but, not knowing what to do anymore, I finally asked God to lead me where I needed to be.
Shortly after, I was invited to interview for another position in K-12 education. Instead of acting on selfish impulses, I prayed. When the job was offered, I prayed more. I was uncertain of the “rightness” of my acceptance of the position, but I felt the Holy Spirit leading me. So, I stopped running.
Praise be to God I stopped running for “The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance” (2 Peter 3:9).
By surrendering myself, my own blueprint for my life, and my golden compass with my twelve-point plan to happiness, I have found peace. I have found fulfillment. I have found purpose.
I realize with a sincere heart that God made me a teacher, but, like Jonah, I chose to run from God’s calling. I put my plan above God’s plan, and I ignored his promises, his teachings, and his word.
Romans 12:6-7 explains, “We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us…if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach.” For too long, I tried to ignore my God-given gift. Spurred on by disillusionment, I tried to speak for God while never listening for his true directive.
There have been other times throughout my life that God has tried to teach me to stop running; however, this was a lesson that took a long time for me to start to grasp. I spent literal years running, but I have now removed my running shoes.
Brothers and sisters, my prayer for you is that you, too, remove your running shoes. Listen for the Holy Spirit’s pull on your heart and embrace your God-given gifts. The truth of the matter is, we do not know what is best. God’s plan matters most and we need to trust in him. By following where God leads, instead of running away, we will find the happiness and purpose we desire. Don’t take my word for it; trust in his.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6).
Kayla E. Green is a school librarian and speculative fiction author living in eastern North Carolina with her husband and their furbabies. When she isn’t writing, reading, or taking photos for her bookstagram, she loves singing loudly and off-key to KLove Radio, napping, and pretending she’s a unicorn. Her debut YA fantasy novella, Aivan: The One Truth, is now available through book retailers. Kayla also has stories and poems featured in various anthologies. https://theunicornwriter.com/