The Grip by Katie Polski
In a brief clip addressing grief, pastor and author John Piper provides a gentle exhortation for believers in Jesus: “Occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have.”
These words saturated my thoughts during the weeks following my mother’s death. They still come to mind even though Mom has been with Jesus for more than seven years.
In 2014, Mom was diagnosed with a very rare, debilitating brain disease that affected every function from her head to her toes. Within six months of her diagnosis, she required around-the-clock care. Living close to her during that time, I took on the challenging but rewarding role of caretaker. After two painful years, Mom closed her eyes to this life and opened them to her Savior’s face.
The glory she is experiencing is incomprehensible—it’s magnificent! But the grief continues for those of us who remain in the now but not yet (Eph. 1:13, 14).
Grief dances with life’s mundane moments. It mingles with our fleeting thoughts and even shows up unexpectedly in times filled with joy. Whether it’s the death of someone we loved dearly, a job lost that provided security, an unsettled season causing fear and anxiety, or a relationship broken that seemed steadfast, grief knocks at the door abruptly and often with intensity. As soon as we respond to grief’s prodding, it grasps us with a surprising degree of determination.
The question is not if we will experience grief in this life but when we experience it, how should we respond to its willful embrace?
Allow Grief to Remain for a Time
In the weeks following my mom’s death, I experienced an unbelievable roller coaster of emotions. An absurd amount of tears were shed over a salmon dinner just because it tasted delicious. Irrational tears flowed as I sorted through my mom’s jewelry because I realized I don't have jewelry to pass on to my own kids. I don’t even really like jewelry, which prompted more tears.
Many days I just sat in my grief, unmotivated to do much else. During this time I read about and better understood the long mourning period in the Old Testament. In our culture, after a mere couple of weeks, folks pop their heads around the corner saying in all various ways: You good now? You ready to return to the good ole’ grind? They do this cautiously, however, just in case the tears flow over the jewelry they wear or the salmon they eat.
By contrast, the Old Testament people had a concentrated mourning time that lasted for weeks and months at a time. It wasn’t uncommon to find them grieving in very public ways such as ripping their clothes, wearing sackcloth instead of regular garb, and they removed all their jewelry (cue the tears over the reality that even the Old Testament people had jewelry to pass on to their kids).
During this time, the grievers wept regularly, even hiring professional mourners who wailed loudly on their behalf for hours or days (Ex. 33:4; 2 Sam. 14:2). Grief has existed since the fall, and for centuries, people around the world experience it and express it in deep and profound ways. God never intended for us to ignore grief or brush it under the rug. Rather, Piper encourages believers to grieve the losses and “occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be.”
The Psalmist did this on many occasions by allowing grief’s grip to take hold, and sometimes his pain was overwhelming: “My eye wastes away because of grief...” (Ps. 6:7). Yet each time he cried out in despair, he called to Jesus. Though raw and honest, his emotions always poured out in his Savior’s presence.
Jesus is the only answer when we feel overcome with grief. He knows grief beyond grief. He is acquainted with it (Is. 53), familiar with it, and he wept deeply because of it (Jn 11:35). Sit for a time in the tender embrace of the One who understands grief, the One who empathizes with it, and who loves unconditionally in the midst of it. Drink deeply of his grace and mercy while the tears flow.
Allow Jesus to Loosen Grief’s Grip
Grace comes in grieving, but grief shouldn’t debilitate us indefinitely; rather, our grief should motivate us to move forward with unabashed trust in Jesus. This does not necessarily happen quickly, but after sitting in grief’s grip for a time, we find refreshment in standing, washing off the tears, and embracing the here and now.
The day in front of you may not be what you planned or what you hoped for, but it is what the Lord gave you. What he gives you is not a mistake, but part of a story perfectly penned with profound love and sovereign grace. That story will include seasons of pain and sorrow; without them, we would not know just how wide, long, high, and deep the love of Christ really is (Eph. 3:18).
The unique and profound love of Christ does not remove the scars left by grief’s grip. They won’t go away entirely, at least not in this life. Years later, these scars remind me of what I hoped would be, and I can even feel the pain where grief once had its hold. Yet those marks are an ever-present reminder of God’s faithfulness. He is sovereign even over grief and uses times of sorrow to grow, mature, and draw us closer to himself. I would not know Jesus in the same intimate way without the grief-gripping scars.
Our Heavenly Father is gracious, and his faithfulness never ends. As waves of grief come and go in this life, Jesus proves to be the anchor that keeps us steady and secure when the sea billows roll. He holds us in his hands, even when gripped by grief. Because of this, and in the strength of Christ, “...Wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have.” He holds you through every step of it.
Katie is a writer, teacher, retreat speaker, and Bible study leader. She is married to Chris, a pastor at Trinity Church in Kirkwood, MO, and is a mother to Ella, J-Rod, and Lily. Katie works as the music director at Trinity, serves on the Women’s Ministry Committee, and teaches high school writing. She writes for various ministries, leads women’s Bible studies, and speaks to women’s groups about the joy she has found in Christ. Katie is currently pursuing her Master of Arts in Theology from Covenant Seminary in St. Louis. For more information, as well as various articles and blog entries, you can visit her website at www.katiepolski.com