The Collision of Grief and Joy by Jayci Rowland
"As you do not know the path of the wind or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things" (Ecclesiastes 11:5).
In April 2021, we lost a life; our third baby left this world before we met them. Six pregnancies and three have gone to live with Jesus before ever seeing their precious faces or holding their tiny hands. But the hope in knowing that all six babies were never ours to begin with has brought me a great deal of peace. They have always belonged to Him. In the grand scheme of eternity, as parents, we are only granted a short amount of time to care for these children.
I often think of the three babies we will never meet; we talk about them with our little ones. Does it hurt? Absolutely. Especially when that expected due date rolls by and there is no baby in our arms. We don't know what to feel when we receive news of a friend becoming pregnant. I watched three of my close friends become moms when I should have been holding our baby last year. Do we feel joy? Do we feel heartache? Yes. And yet, how joyous that they are receiving the greatest gift God ever gave me. He made me a mom––me! I feel so unworty, yet He chose me to be the mom of not one but four beautiful girls, and a mom of many children over the years.
These life hurdles that change us forever can blossom into something beautiful if we allow them space and time. Despite the heartache, we rejoice in the goodness of God. My oldest daughter's favorite song right now is Goodness of God. I love the random reminders when she gets the song stuck in her head that His goodness is running after her.
Likewise, I am unworthy, but he chases me down, leaving the ninety-nine to catch me. He thinks I am worthy. What? The King of all Kings, the creator of many beautiful things, calls me His and tells me I am worthy. Throughout the years of feeling broken over so many losses, I have kept one of God's names in the back of my head when I seem to forget who I am and who God is. El Roi––the God who sees! Thank God for a God who sees…a God who sees me through all the pain and anger and never leaves us, even when we feel alone. Not only is God always there to comfort us, but those who have faced similar trials and experienced the same heartache step up and comfort us, as it says to do in Corinthians 1:3-7.
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego said God would deliver them from the fire. However, even if he did not, He is still good. They will still rejoice…how beautiful a picture they painted of a faith that surpasses all understanding! And a love so strong that even if God didn't save them, He was still worthy of their praises. I remember the night I started bleeding before the official word we had miscarried. Once again, I kept telling myself through tears of prayer that even if God took my baby I never got to meet, He is still good! I had to keep repeating it as I may not have honestly believed it then.
Still, January 9, 2022, helped me feel it. We got two little lines on a test. Unplanned because of fear and doubt, but the sweetest little surprise. Even so, He is still good. What an excellent and good God we praise to allow us the chance to hold a sweet little baby once again and entrust us with raising one of His children. We get to come alongside Him, co-parenting these precious lives, and watch Him shape them into whom he created them to be.
We hope to shape their faith, character, and little minds, to bring honor to Him and Him alone, not for the eyes and glory of those around us. Ephesians 2:10 NLT
"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
I think so often as parents we believe that our children are our masterpieces and that we somehow created these magnificent, beautiful beings ourselves. Imagine– God says you are His masterpiece, made for a purpose He planned long ago, long before we were born. May we be able to remember to push aside our pride and lay down our fears at the feet of Jesus and trust Him to do the excellent work he's already planned.