Lourdes by Jackie Kierulf
It took more than fifty years to heed my grandmother’s advice and visit the Lourdes Sanctuary at the foot of the Pyrenees in France.
While researching the shrine, I read about the Lourdes High Way of the Cross and planned to visit the site on my first daythere. The stations are on the Hill of Espélugues a massive hill to the left of the Basilica. They are almost hidden as access is past the church and across the road. It was hot day and not at all what I expected in northern France. Crossing the road, I start up the footpath, worn patches of asphalt occasionally changing into gravel. It’s slope increases steadily until level with the upper church. I slow down, my chest sighing and heavy, and my back feeling moist under my shirt.
A sign addresses me, the pilgrim, at the first station. In bold letters I’m instructed that if I choose to use the stairs I’d have to climb them on my knees, or follow an alternate route to the next station.
An elderly man stands next to me, reading the sign as well. He asks if I’m going up the stairs. The stairs look familiar and I realize they are a replica of the Scala Sancta, the marble Holy Stairs in Rome that St. Helena brought back from the Holy Land. Jesus is said to have climbed those stairs during his trialand after his scourging at the pillar.
I hesitate to answer, after having struggled up those stairs in Rome. Each of those 28 steps brought me so much pain. Could I really do this again?
Seconds later my mind is already made up for me. I watch as theman begins to kneel and edge his way slowly. I kneel down with caution, and lag behind. The pain is immediate.
I realize then, that I was doing this all wrong and start to pray…
Lord, Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
I learned about the Jesus prayer at a workshop on Christian mediation. With its roots in Eastern Christianity, this prayer, by the power of the Holy Spirit, invokes the name of Jesus Christ to the God the Father.
Lord, Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
I continue to repeat this prayer, hoping I will find some relief. My pain doesn’t diminish and feels much worse than that first time on the stairs. Perhaps God is speaking to me through this all.
I think of how Jesus surrendered himself for us through his passion, and how I, broken and imperfect, are so unworthy and undeserving of his love. But God is love and he loved us, even in his suffering, so I press onward, despite my knees stinging.
Calvary came alive for me that day at Lourdes.
Praying the Jesus prayer, by repeating a simple set of words, breaks down prayer into the barest of bones. We grasp each syllable and sit with it. In this way our prayer is focused on the one task we have as a Christian: to keep Jesus in sight, because through him and the Holy Spirit, we find our way to the Father.
If I did not choose to kneel and suffer just a sliver of what Jesus endured, how can I embrace the challenges I face every day as a child of God?
Journeying on those stairs at Lourdes provided me with a glimpse of the agony of Jesus. It was a small suffering that brought me one step closer to him. Even so, I have so far to go.
My Jesus, please help me open my heart to you more often and trust in your love for me.
All glory and honour to God, forever and ever! (Timothy 1:17)
Jackie lives in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. Her publications include Blessed (Calla Press), Hello and Goodbye (Dribbles, Drabbles and Postcards), The Ballet Class (Wanderers), "Saturday" (Route 7 Review), and Birthdays 2022 (Grief Dialogues Stories, US). Besides writing, Jackie enjoy hiking, reading, and traveling. You can find Jackie’s work at cherishingthedeathprocess.com and at fromsimplewordstorealstories.home.blog.
