God's Strength Made Perfect by DM Bucher

God’s Strength Made Perfect in My Weakness

On this particular day, as darkness tightened its grip on my heart, the piercing pain seemed to force the tears from my eyes in unhindered cascades. I watched her go, she never once glanced back. They came, every word, every nuance; all of the memories; I wanted them to stop. But then that was the way of the darkness; cold, cruel, unrelenting, and yet so very empty.

I knew I failed her. Still, I felt lost, grasping for hope, paralyzed. Nothing prepares a parent for the sudden severing of a relationship with their child. Even today, when I reflect on events culminating in my daughter leaving our home, the pieces fail to come together. Left with more questions than answers, my heart splintered by degrees over the course of three long years.

Cruelly, life demands continuation. Birthdays, holidays, even the mundane meals: her absence spoke louder than her voice ever did. But worse than the physical absence was the absence of any knowledge of her whereabouts or if she was dead or alive. As with any grief, the topic became taboo; avoided by everyone, furthering the perception: “she no longer existed”. Outwardly, I played along fearing rejection and judgment from others. Inwardly, I knew the weight of the despairing darkness intimately.

Some adversities we take in stride, while others cripple our timid steps of faith. This was just such an adversity for me. Home a mere six months from eight years on the mission field and my world lay in shattered fragments at my feet. Somehow all of the things I shared with others about navigating suffering, mocked me in the brokenness.

Picking Up the Pieces

As with any mess, you begin by picking up the pieces. Memories, like broken glass, sliced through my heart at any attempt of exploration. Sitting in the room she called her own for a brief time, the last conversation on replay, the familiar sick feeling in my stomach intensified.

While my hands held photographs left behind, my mind drifted to my son and youngest daughter downstairs. Offering comfort and guiding them through their grief seemed impossible when my own grief throbbed in my chest. I knew the brokenness must be addressed, but where to start?

Words used in counseling others flooded my mind: “When you find yourself in the middle of intense suffering, you lose perspective and tend to focus inward. This clouds your vision and isolates you within the suffering.” Though I knew the truth of the words, everything in me desired nothing more than retreating into my own inner pain.

Picking up the pieces is the first step towards healing when navigating suffering. This involves a bit of soul searching and courage facing the chain of events leading to the current crisis. Picking up each broken shard, knowing it will never be the same, but holding it anyway.

"A woman's strength isn't just about how much she can handle before she breaks. It's also about how much she must handle after she's broken."

God Does Give You More Than You Can Handle

The Apostle Paul experienced firsthand the overwhelming suffering God at times allows. “For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.  Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.”  (2 Corinthians 1:8-9 ESV) He suffered beyond his own strength to the point of despairing of his own life. From the surrounding verses, we can see he suffered physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He thought his affliction would kill him.

Though spared from death, his sufferings brought him to the end of himself. Not only to the end of his own strength but to the end of his earthly hopes and plans. So it was with me; the torture of my daughter leaving our home, not knowing where she went, brought me to the end of my own strength. My hopes and plans had died.

When Strength Fails, Hope Increases

Learning reliance on the God who raised the dead; setting our hope on Him reveals one of the most important outcomes God desires to produce in our lives. Our ultimate joy and comfort depend on our removing trust in ourselves and placing it in God.

My problem with accomplishing this in my own life is so eloquently expressed by C.S. Lewis, "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." Afflictions reveal our trust in ourselves, false hopes, or even other people. Hope in these things always falls short, only God knows the beginning from the end.

Weakness Identified

Long seasons of suffering challenge our faith, exacting a cost greater than we intended to pay. Distracted days of wandering without knowledge of my daughter etched a dull ache upon my heart.  Going through the motions as an unwanted participant in an eerie nightmare, the first year saw my own strength come to an end. Frustration, anger, and depression journeyed with me the second year.

But in the third year, I finally came to the end of myself.

Strength Renewed

Realizing my resistance kept me from any personal or spiritual growth, I suddenly understood what I perceived as strength was nothing more than a weak attempt at controlling a situation over which I had no control. Now, instead of fighting the situation for removal from my life, I embraced it. By choosing acceptance of what God offered through the affliction, I now enabled growth in faith and knowledge rather than shrinking in fear and despair.

Admitting my weakness, also removed the false hope and false courage suffocating me.

What to Do When Your Strength Fails

“But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV) God’s strength sustained me and gave me genuine hope. Not hope in an expected outcome, hope in the God of all comfort. My strength is frail, dependent on outcomes and my own perspectives. Walking through this particular trial and many since then, has shown me when everything I can see, treasure, and hold is suddenly stripped away, God remains faithful.

The knowledge of God’s faithfulness brought transformation to my life. The situation remained the same, but I did not; teaching me some valuable lessons.

• My strength alone is inadequate.
• My strength provides false hope.
• God will never leave me.
• God's strength comes to the humble.
• Instead of asking "why" ask "how".
• Weakness is strength.

Ultimately, submission to pain enables the experience of exquisite joy. When you embrace suffering, fear no longer holds you or defeats you.

Three years ended with a package arriving on my birthday. The first contact from my daughter, and it came on a special day in my life. A new beginning, it was more than a birthday gift, it was beauty for ashes. What to do when your strength fails? Rejoice, embrace and appreciate the outcome of trusting in strength not your own.

I am a writer, teacher, speaker, retired missionary, CASA volunteer, experienced counselor, and hospice and palliative care support personnel. Founder of Serenity in Suffering blog, https://www.serenityinsuffering.com, born out of personal struggle and suffering, but also the personal and spiritual growth I experienced walking through the hard places of life. I share ways to grow personally and find spiritual intimacy with Christ, finding purpose in the trials you face. My prayer for you is that will may truly find Serenity in Suffering.