The Ride Of My Life by Michelle Stankos
“I can’t go to the hospital!” “I have a classroom full of students to teach!” My husband was at a work meeting a thousand miles away and I was a mom of two young girls. If there was ever a time in my life when I needed prayer it was this moment. My heart had started doing flip flops like a gymnast. Beating at over 180 beats per minute, I felt as if I had just ran a marathon. I remember sitting in the school nurse's office trying desperately to stay calm and trust the paramedics who were about to inject me with something that would stop and restart my heart. Praying it would resume normal rhythm. My daughters were in classrooms down the hall and all I could think of was them as I was loaded into the ambulance and enroute to the hospital. As the sirens blared, I couldn’t help thinking, “I could die today!”
In the many hours of fear and uncertainty that followed, I began to feel that God had abandoned me. The doctors and nurses were baffled at what was going on with my body. As I lay in the ER for hours, various doctors and specialists ran tests and attempted to come up with a plan. God already had a plan. I could reach out to him.
Ps 9:9 “The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.”
My time on Earth was not over. After years of overwhelming anxiety, depression, and a slew of other unexplainable symptoms my body had enough. After several hours and multiple tests, I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and Graves Disease. Although I knew absolutely nothing about either of these diagnoses, I was relieved to finally have answers. I was relieved to know that I would recover and there was hope!
I immediately began the long road to recovery and living with an autoimmune disease. My life with Graves Disease has been filled with challenges. An invisible illness can be difficult to explain. I constantly hear, “You don’t look sick!” or “I bet if you took some vitamins you would feel better!” I wish it were that simple. There are days I struggle to get out of bed. My legs feel like they weigh a ton and I am not sure they will hold me up. I can sleep for days and still feel overwhelming fatigue. Daily tasks like laundry or grocery shopping can wipe me out. And socializing can be more than I can handle some days. It can be lonely and isolating. Few people understand. However, in many ways I feel better than ever. I listen to my body. It really will tell you what you need. I don’t sweat the small stuff. I appreciate the small stuff. The way the green grass compliments the blue sky. Laughing at my favorite show. Reading for hours on end. Feeling the sunshine on my face.
It has been 13 years since my diagnosis. Although it hasn’t been easy, I am thankful for the journey that has led me to where I am today. I wouldn’t change a thing. I can’t always say my body is stronger, but I can say my faith is stronger. I can’t always rely on my legs to steady me but I can rely on God to carry me. Every day is a gift. Live every one of them in the present.
Aging Gratefully
I happily made my way to the check-out counter with the treasures I had found thrifting that morning. As I nervously waited for the total, the cashier asked, “Are you 55 or older?” After taking a quick look around to ensure she was indeed speaking to me, I replied with a very firm, “NO!!!” Apparently, I was shopping on senior day and if you are 55 or older you receive a discount on your purchase. Although I had just turned 53 a couple weeks earlier, I felt offended and immediately texted a friend and asked her if I look old. What is it that we dread so much about getting older? Is it the inevitable physical and mental slow downs and changes? Or is it the stigma that society has placed on the elderly? The global anti-aging market is valued at over 60 million dollars. It is obvious that people will stop at nothing to slow or reverse the aging process. If each day is a gift, why are we continuously concerned with what is on the outside instead of the inside?
In addition to nearing my mid fifties, I have also entered my empty nest era. For the first time in 22 years, I do not have any children living at home. My role as a stay at home mom has come to a close and now I struggle with my purpose in this stage of my life. Although I am still a mother and always will be, it is time for them to fly on their own. It is time for me to fly on my own as well. Scary right? Leaving a season in which the demands were so high and days I was being pulled in so many directions have now led to hours of silence and solitude. I remember longing for these moments. Now, I long for my youth. It’s just another chapter right?
I used to wake up multiple times a night to change or feed a crying baby, now I wake up multiple times a night to relieve my tiny bladder. I forget the reason I come into a room, I spend hundreds of dollars coloring the gray in my hair and I no longer recognize the face staring back at me in the mirror. Prov. 16:31 NIV says,”Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life”
I don’t think we fear the end of our life as much as we fear the rest of our life as seniors.
Read that again and truly think about that statement. I am certain where I am going at the end of my life. Jesus will be waiting for me with open arms. I have nothing to fear. However, our life on earth is plagued daily with what ifs. And it seems like the older we get the more these unknowns consume our everyday thoughts. Not only the physical changes of gray hair or wrinkles but the mental changes of forgetfulness and slowing down. You know, the old “I just can’t _____ like I used to!” (you fill in the blank) Instead of focusing on the would haves and could haves of the past or the unknowns of the future we should be preparing to leave a legacy. A legacy of grace, purpose, and faithfulness. A story that those after us will continue to write. This seems like a big step. A daunting task. Each one of us is so full of life to be lived. You are born on purpose with a purpose. We have earned every wrinkle on our face and every gray hair on our head. Solomon said, “The glory of the young is their strength; the gray hair of experience is the splendor of the old.” What can we do when we begin to focus on the negatives of aging? Be thankful! Not everyone was given the beautiful opportunity to be the very age you are right now!
Start each day with gratitude. Before you get out of bed, before you reach for your phone, take a few minutes and list five things you are grateful for. Maybe it is the sunshine pouring through your window, or the lunch date you have planned with your best friend. If you start your day with gratitude you will see things to be thankful for all around you the remainder of the day.
Although it is difficult to see the changes that seem to be occurring daily, I have chosen to appreciate it and age “gratefully.”
Michelle Stankos is a former elementary school teacher living out her dream of becoming a published author. Michelle lives in Orlando, Florida with her husband and their two daughters. She enjoys reading, traveling and attending concerts.
