Being Renewed By Motherhood by Lauren Carrizal

For me, March 2021 held a world in turmoil, the pandemic looming, and my hopes for an unmedicated delivery broken. Even with my beautiful newborn baby in my arms, my spirit had been crushed by the weight of unmet expectations. The past year had chipped away at my hope and trust in humanity, and childbirth had been the final piece to turn my heart towards the world to stone. I felt confused, frustrated, and bitter at the world and humanity that sought to harm others. My place in the world seemed aimless and haphazard rather than permanent and purposeful. 

Where was the goodness? 

Where was the joy? 

Where was God when the world and I needed him most?

These questions were often ones I came back to both in the early days of motherhood and in the months leading up to my baby’s birth. Our world troubled me, and I didn’t know how to live authentically anymore in a world so tainted by sin. The stain it left continued to spread like an ink blot on paper. My doubts and questions spread with it, along with my broken spirit and cynical heart.

I hadn’t always been this way, spirit-crushed and turbulent. The circumstances around me pulled me into this space that I saw little escape from. The weight of the world sought to crush my spirit.

But as my baby boy lay small and helpless and relied on me for his very life, I realized that goodness and joy were embodied in the child looking up at me. He was the answer to my longings for light, joy, and fullness of life. Being a mother was my deepest purpose. God had given me a glimpse of his mercy and grace through this little life. Even my baby’s cries were music to my ears—his longings and strength captivated me from the beginning.

The little fingers and toes handcrafted by the Maker himself. Dimples and a little laugh crafted to perfection. Beauty in every meaning of the word. 

My little boy drew me in. In a world where someone as precious as him could exist, couldn’t there be goodness and joy abounding still? Even as my heart of stone longed for the perfection of heaven, part of me still believed that the wonder and kindness of God still lingered here in this world, earthside.

The world, while tainted, still held some goodness within. And seeing even a glimpse of this goodness in my son’s face brought new life in me. The weight of the world no longer sat on my shoulders for I had come to know the reason for my reckoning; I had to see the world for what it is in order to know what it could be. I had to taste darkness to taste the sweetness as well. I had to experience brokenness to know strength. My expectations had to be broken in order to trust that His plans are greater than mine. My son’s birth was perfect because it was God’s plan that prospered, not mine.

My redemption began the day I became a mother—my metamorphosis and becoming. While I didn’t see the transformation beginning, my butterfly wings suddenly burst forth with color after I arose from the darkness and void.

Patience, grace, and kindness became my essence; joy began to unfold. Through mothering my son, I’m also mothering myself, showing myself grace for my shortcomings and talking gently to my spirit. I’m becoming more of me, still questioning and concerned about the state of this world, but knowing that the Light will always overcome. I fully believe that my son will live a good life in this world. His spirit brings life to mine.

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As my baby boy gets older, the joy he carries continues to mend my spirit. His light shines so brightly, and it is lighting up my life. Joy, tremendous and unfathomable joy, is his being, embedded in his very essence.

He is an explorer in the wilderness of life, curiously and boldly stepping into the unknown. He is an adventurer of sorts, riding his own sails and setting his own sights. He is an artist, coloring the world by his own methods, uniquely his.

He is running wild in a world of his own making, his hands wide open to receive. My little boy’s open-handed way of living brings to the surface the hope I’ve buried deep within myself, afraid to let it loose.

He is life itself bursting forth in fullness and might.

He is more than light breaking through; he is technicolor magic filling the void where I could no longer see goodness. His light is one of its own, joy unbridled and pure holiness embodied.

I understand now why Jesus loved the little children so much and told his disciples to allow them to come to him. Their faith was real in every sense. They saw and they believed. This childlike wonder and faith is a force we as adults lose as we experience the brokenness of this world—but it doesn’t have to be lost forever.

My son is helping me to see that this world, while broken and hurting, is still worth holding out hope for. His eyes see more than what my vision offers me—a glimpse into the beauty of this world, paradise untainted. 

There may still be darkness, and I still feel heartbroken over the state of this world, but I am hopeful. I have been broken down and built anew—more hopeful and gracious, and relying on the Light to play judge.

Motherhood has shaped me into the person I was always supposed to become, and my son continues to change me.

When I watch the way my son experiences the world, I can’t help but stand in awe at his ability to bring a smile to the face of a stranger and radiate joy as he goes. I am convinced that if we all embraced the way our children live their lives as explorers and joy-givers that we could bring more light into this world too. We could see the good in every little thing and believe that this is paradise, made purely for us by a Creator God.

Being his mom has changed my life. And his way of living is changing the world. Today, I pull my baby boy a little closer and tell him “you are the greatest thing that I’ve ever been graced with,” and every word rings true. For he has shown me goodness in this life, and he doesn’t even know. Thank you, God, for this miracle. And thank you that it is everything I never expected.

Lauren Carrizal is a stay-at-home mom living in Fort Worth, TX with her engineer husband and toddler son. She enjoys spending time in nature, crafting, visiting her local library, and trying new coffee. As a writer, she has found herself drawn to topics of spiritual formation and living intentionally in the present moment. Lauren holds master's degrees in both ministry and higher education. She writes weekly on her blog at laurencarrizal.com, and you can find her on instagram at @laurencarrizal.