Anticipation by Lindsey Holt
I was twenty-two years old when I lost my sister, Lauren. Over the years, I have developed a habit of writing letters to Lauren to help me process my grief; I tell her all the things I wish I could still be talking about with her in person. Entering the season of motherhood has been especially bittersweet for me to do without my sister by my side. But God has been so faithful. I have two precious girls, and during each of my pregnancies God blessed me with beautiful visions of my sister in heaven holding my children. Through those visions, I felt in my heart that Lauren was holding my girls’ heavenly forms and loving on them while God was weaving and knitting their earthly bodies together in my womb. This piece is a letter I wrote to Lauren during my second pregnancy after God gifted me with the beautiful image of heaven and earth drawing near through the miracle of my unborn daughter.
Here, once more, I find myself in the middle of a miracle. How my heart weeps and longs to share it with you.
This precious life whose heart now beats beneath my own is set to arrive in the same month I lost you: a warm sunbeam in my hardest, coldest month of grief. She is a good and perfect gift from the good and perfect Father who has counted each and every one of my tears.
Here, in this holy season of growth, heaven and earth somehow seem closer to each other than usual, as if only a thin veil is separating us.
No matter how desperately I strain and grasp at that veil, though, I cannot reach you. But if I still myself and close my eyes, soaking in the small, quiet moments—I can sometimes feel you reaching me. Telling me all will be well because of the great glory that surrounds you here and now.
My heart is in awe that the sweet magic of sisterhood is being restored in my life. I ache to my core to have you here with me, yet I rejoice that my girls will have each other the way I had you.
Once more, I experience both the deepening and the lightening of my grief.
Here, now, I can feel the anticipation of heaven and earth building, waiting for this little Song of Joy to burst forth.
And in that raw, primal moment of Victory over strife—when flesh is torn, and blood and water and life come spilling out—our hands will touch once more as you pass this precious, little soul into my waiting arms.
Until then, hold her close. Sing your sweet music over her and whisper your stories in her ear so she can carry your magic and your light with her into this dark world.
All my love, sweet sister of mine.
Lindsey Holt lives and writes in Abilene, Texas. She is married to her high school sweetheart, Heath, and they are blessed with two precious daughters who fill their house with giggles and glitter. Lindsey has a BA in English from Lubbock Christian University. Lindsey's book, Bits and Pieces: A Collection of Writing on Grief and Hope, was written after the loss of her sister, Lauren. It documents her glimpses of God's great faithfulness in the midst of her grief.