For The First Time Today by Alexis Ragan

“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me”— Matthew 16:24

Knees to cold wood,
palms to wet face,
Bible by bed,
heart in warm hands—

Wait. It’s never felt like this before.

To be found but live lost
when the cost of self
seems too rich never
felt forced or even false
until I searched for his heart…

And the world really said it was impossible to find?

I took up my cross
for the first time today.
It was lighter to pick up
than it was to think on,
and easier to carry
than it was to drift on.

Was I truly this swept out to sea?

So, it seems surrender
has found me once again,
yet this time I see there
is no other way.
And that weight?
It is far worth the wait
to pick up what’s been lifted
to lay down a life
that is more than worth giving,
to Love.

There is no looking back after this Love.

I took up my cross
for the first time today,
and I’m never
putting it back down.

Alexis Ragan delights in considering herself to be a fervent literary vessel for Christ’s light to dwell, convinced that poetry and fiction serve as instruments of worship that ultimately help lead humanity back to God’s heart. This spring, she will be receiving her BA in English from California State University Long Beach, and currently anticipates acceptance into an out-of-state MFA program where she can further exercise her passion for storytelling with a particular emphasis on spiritual epiphanies often found in the wake of relationships between people, place, and most importantly, Jesus.